Wow

Ok so preggy related stuff... Well i knew my BM would dry up eventually but im surprised it has now at 17weeks preg lol, I can still squeeze a little something out but it has now gone to clear fluid instead of the collustrum i have had for the last couple of months haha how wierd, I feel bubby moving through out the day, get lots of little flutters and kicks its very cute hehe

 Not alot has been happening about my place, i have been feelin a little lazy then mix that in with a toddler who is into everything and as such my house constantly looks like a bomb zone!

We went into frankston this morning with my cousin who is 32 weeks preg to help her find some tops to wear as everythin she had is finally gettin a little on the short side hehe so when we got home Miss M went to bed and i started the gut the house.. i really gotta strive to keep my benches clutter free.. i just tend to dump everything on them instead of puttin it all away like the vegemite will sit on the bench constantly because in my lazy head i think well im gonna need it tomorrow anyway but enough is enough, i have always been a house proud person and i am becoming a messy slob, something i have always hated and i dont know how it got to be like this, so i am makin a pledge to myself.,.. no computer and no tv until the house chores are done... no more letting washing sit in the laundry for days on days and i will do a load, hang it out n fold n put it away each day like i should be! BAH angry at myself for bein so messy, oh n just to clarify my house is messy/untidy it is in no ways a dirty house, there isnt rubbish everywhere.. what i consider to be messy other people think im nuts lol toys on the floor and washing on the dining room table, papers in a stack on the bench..  its enough to make a house look cluttered which in turns looks messy.. get my drift hehe

hmmm ok looks like there is a storm coming i better bring the towels and nappies in!

Hello

wow ive been a terrible blogger lately huh... just a quick update im 16 weeks today hoooray! my belly has popped out and im looking more pregnant than 16 weeks but meh oh wells haha, I have been so very very tired this last week and having issues with the excess fluid my body is making ie: pooling in my middle ear so i am deaf half the time in the mleft ear and there is nothin i can do about it as u have to take antihistamines to dry it up and well being pregnant thats a big no no, we have just had easter and as usual it wsas nothing spectacular just the normal family gatherings back n forth and yeh marlie got 36 eggs and a few bunnys... mmm mummy n daddy will enjoy most of them i be thinking haha. Belly shot below :)

Finish the Sentence

Ok Im bored.. so if ur bored n have nothin to blog about do this too... u know u want too... plus i wanna read ur answers haha

1. My ex ....is gay.. like really he has a "husband" n everything lol

2. Maybe I should... Do more with my days and stop bein so lazy all the time

3. I love... My little expanding family

4. People would say that I am...determined

5. I don't understand..... alot of things, the worst being something that happened a long long time ago

6. When I wake up in the morning... I dont wonna get outta bed

7. I lost..... i dont think ive lost anything, when u "loose" something as such it opens up more doors, by "loosing" something you always gain more from the experience

8. Life is full of... experiences, take each one with its own merit, learn from it and move on

9. My past taught me..... things are never as u expect them to be set your bar low and u cant be disapointed.

10. I get annoyed when...  People think they are better then me, hate to breakit to ya but ur no different from the next person just as im not.

11. Parties are... for having fun

12. I wish.... for a happy and healthy life for my children and family n friends, the rest will come

13. Dogs...are just that, dogs, they are nice to have in the family but MUST know that they are just that, dogs, they rank at the bottom of the food chain.

14. Cats... are so up themselves, i like my cat shes burmese and doesnt have that bitchy attitude that normally accompanies  most animals of that species

15. Tomorrow... is monday, i have nothing planned... surprise surprise

16. I have a low tolerance for... idiots

17. If I had a million dollars... I wouldnt become a stuck up fuckwit n go n blow it on every luxury possible.

18. I'm totally terrified of... loosing my friends and family, they are the world to me.

:/

Ugh well im 13 weeks and right one cue the cramps and lower back pain are starting up, it happened at exactly the same time with Marlie, ouch ouch ouch all the endo scar tissue is ripping and omfg it is killing me... i forgot just how much this part hurts :(
Although i will live thru it and im sure there is nothing wrong with the baby it just hurtttts
I dont have my next scan until May! omg that is sooo far away but that said all of a sudden i realised tonight i have been in the 2nd trimester for a whole week already, this pregnancy is just flying past, its amazing..  i guess because i have miss marlie here to keep me busy where as before i just had me and my crazy over analyzing mind to contend with, whereas this time i actually forget im pregnant half the time!! I am currently weighing in at 80 kilos so yep pregnancy is working like a diet for me again i have lost 4.5 kilos so far and im hopin i will only gain 6 like last time and then loose 22 and actually keep it off this time and not turn into a fatty fatty again its not healthy for me and i need to be healthy for my babes and be able to do things with them and not get out of breath, plus i want to be a good role model unlike my yoyo dieting mother who put her terrible eating habits onto us and then berated us with the suck it in comments about our chubby bellys as she fed us adult sized meals and rediculous desserts.. anywaaaaaay so yeh i dont want to do that..
I will take a photo during the week for the 14 week mark :)

For my Rara

Hooray!

Had my scan today and heres my baby!! 11w4d, you can see the bubbys yolk sac behind shim, looks like its slung its balls onto shis back hahaha HB 173 bpm, 5.23cm long, nuchal fold was only 1.2mm so looking VERY good and healthy hooray!!
I was so stressed the last few days, dreaming of downs syndrome and edwards syndrome and all those horrible sad trisomy problems and Dr Atchison reckons everythin is fine in there and i should have nothing to worry about so hooray again!!

Big day

Tomorrow two of my very best friends in the world are getting married! Mike n me are in the bridal party, i have just dropped him off to the grooms mother house where he will be staying the night and as for me, well i have Miss Marlie till i drop her to my mums and then im out for dinner with the bride and other bridesmaids then ill be coming home for the night, the thought of sleeping on the floor at the brides mums house does not appeal to me one bit if i wasn't preg and already sleeping badly sure thing i would but yeh i need a good nights sleep or ill be to exhausted for the HUGE day ahead of us tomorrow, although i will be all alone here tonight n that is a little unsettling.. I will be going back bright n early in the morning to start the preparations and for brekkie etc, its going to be hard for me as i wont see Marlie from when i drop her off later this arvo until monday morning!! thats 2 whole nights she wont be with me.. oh dear the longest shes been away from me was just one night and i dropped her off late and picked her up early! so it was really just her asleep times i wasnt there for... talk about a whole new thing, most mothers would be like hell yeh time away from the kids but not me, im gonna fret the whole time but im hoping the wedding celebrations will keep me occupied for most of the time! She is in good hands as she will be staying with my mum tonight and my mil tomorrow night as my mum has to work monday or she would of had her both nights... ok well i hear whinging coming from her room i should get her up n organised to go to nannys!

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

Think about it!

ouchy

My hips are killing meee well its not quite my actual hips its the bit lower down from that where the top of ur leg joins its been aching for 2 days now and my lower back is giving me a bit of greif too.. ugh i dont remember getting this pain till much later on with Marlie but now im thinking perhaps its from my couch where i seem to be spending so much time lately as it sinks in the middle and its my right hip area thats hurting the most and thats where is sinks in on coz i sit on the left hand side of it... time for a new couch i hear you say?? hmm i agree now just to convince mike i need a nice new plushy comfy one instead of this $300 fold out bed piece of shit that we bought years ago when we had ppl in and out of here like a half way house... ah the days of partys every weekends with our friends lol seems so long ago... when did i turn into a old lady... oh yeh when we had Marlie but yay i wouldnt swap it for the world, i cbf with partying every weekend and just the thought of all the mess that had to be cleaned up and then people layin round my house all day when u just want them to bugger off... no thanks!!

Cant make my mind up...

So you have probly noticed my blog changes every other day as i just cant find one i like... so lets see how long this one lasts for.. prob a bit longer coz i actually edited it properly..

headbo? hatbo?

STEP ONE...

STEP TWO:

Oh yes she is very special, after watching daddy put her bumbo on his head like a helmut Miss Marlie has decieded this is the true puropse of the bumbo and now continuously walks around the front loungeroom with it on her head... completely blinded by the back of it... we have luckily had no accidents as yet but its bloody heavy and im surprised her neck can take the weight, if u take it off her she screams blue murder! lol my special little cherub hahaha

Name one... sorted

OK
So we have decieded on a girls name... it was really easy to decide actually.. the boys name is the hard part!!
I wouldnt even talk about names when i was preg with Marlie till 20 weeks but all of a sudden tonight we just started yappin about it and the girls was decieded pretty much straight away, admittedly it is one of the names we tossed around when marlie was in the tum but now i like it more then i did then and yeh it jsut works for us hooray..

Same ole same ole

I need recipes!!!
I am so sick of cooking the same shit day in day out... whats your family favorites??
dont be shy now people... share with meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Neglected

Yepo i have neglected my blog... again ooops sorry

Not much has been going on, Ive been feelin pretty crappy the last couple of days, everything is still going strong in my belly i hope, i havent had any indication of anythin sinister going on, Im not really looking forward to my 12 week scan, I try not to think the worst but I have in my head that there will be something wrong, the whole "you have the ovaries of a 40yr old" is ringing in my head and I fear that there would be something wrong with my baby like downs syndrome or worse... its a feelin I cant shake I am booked in for the 9th of March but I think I will push it back another week, as according to my last scan results I will only be 11w3d and that will be to early to do the nuchual measurement, I am going for the blood test on friday when i will be 10weeks exactly.. ugh ok well I'm gonna go lay on the couch and curl up in a ball and go back the land of make believe.

Old School Rock

My whole life i was bought up around music, My mums music omg talk about the best music in history, My all time fav from my mums music is Stevie Nicks.... luv everything about her.
Her music hits a spot with me i dont know why, maybe its the memorys of my mum dancing with her friends in our loungeroom and us watching from the hall and her not knowing we were up, the free will the love the way my mother was when we werent meant to be watching. She was a free spirit, I see the way i am and i am so much like her, everyone my whole life has told me this but its not until now as a adult i can appreciate it.  Anyway some of my fav songs... :)



Rhiannon is the story of a lady that is from another world ~ called the Bright world ~ and she leaves her kingdom to become the wife of a king ~ a mortal king ~ but goddesses really can't marry mortal kings, if they do they lose their powers ~ their magic powers. And they don't lose the knowledge of them they just ~they know everything that's going to happen they just can'tdo anything about it. Which is a much more difficult way to live than not having magic powers is to not be able to use them and know exactly what's coming and to not be able to tell anybody. So she comes down and does her whole trip, and it's just a whole story ~ it's a wonderful story.

And she has these birds that sing and that is the legend of the song of the birds of Rhiannon. And they sing this song that is uh, said takes away pain and suffering and if you hear the song you just sort of blank out and go away and then when you wake up everthing's all right. And it is a wonderful, wonderful story which I use a lot, because there's a lot of ~ there seems to be a lot of need for the story of Rhiannon around lately, because if people are sad or have lost anybody or something the story really makes a lot of sense.
~Stevie Nicks, Starsound Special RKO Radio, December 21, 1981

Male Mutilation oh excuse me Circumcision...

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Love

Upset

Well it already looks like i will not be having a natural delivery, i just had my blood pressure taken and it is already 145/92
I am going to ring my doc when Marlie gets up and go and see him hopefully today, yesterday i went sorta blind in one eye then almost passed out and broke out in a cold sweat, I am 8 weeks pregnant :( none of this shit started till 33 weeks when i was preg with Marlie, so much for the it only happens once blah blah blah... fucken not happy jan.

A new thing for me

Now i beg your pardon but who the hell said i can get morning sickness!!
I had a day or 2 around week 7-8 when i was preg with Marlie but this is ridiculous, everyday i wake up feeling like i wanna puke and pass out, its a horrible feeling, i guess its a good thing and everyone keeps givin me the its gonna be boy coz this pregnancy has already been so different,  no really tender breasts, the nips are a little sensitive but nothin serious like with Marlie, the ms that has started and ugggh im not meaning to sook its just a whole different experience to what im use too lol, i am extremly lucky to even be pregnant, considering all the ivf and crap i went thru for Marlie and then well for nothing. Yay for morning sickness? lol xx

We have a heartbeat!!

So i woke up this morning and decided i wanted to go for my scan, i have been ummin an arrhin as to when i would go as i wanted it to be late enough that there would be a heartbeat, i would be so devestated if there wasnt one even if it were too early i would fear the worst, so i rang around the different scanning places and thank god CLayton had a appointment available, the guy who did my scan was really nice and really good at his job, Im a fan of him, explained everything in detail to Mike as he had a million questions as to what this n that was lol, I was right I ovulated from the right hand side, got a good corpus luteum there, almost the size of my ovary, so it is doing its job and supporting my little blob yay! We will be calling it the Blob because when Mike asked what was what the guy goes see the balloon and the blob.. well the blobs the baby
haha yay here is a piccie! terrible quality but they didnt print out a pic for us so mike to this off the screen :)
Bubby is measuring 5.5mm with a heartbeat of 113 bpm so everythin is going awesomely
6w3d according to scan so we are due the 24th of September!!

Just wanted to Share :)

 

This is one of my most favorite photos of my breast feeding journey with Marlie, I love how she is sitting up next to me, she was so tiny.

This was i think her 2nd maybe 3rd feed and well obviously assisted, while i was in CCU after my horrible birth experience.

I couldnt sit up after havin the ceaser so there was no way i could hold her myself as I was just to weak from all the drugs and the miriad of wires connected to me but there was no way in hell my baby would be formula fed, they bought her to me every 3 hours for her feeds, and come and hand expressed me during the night to ensure my milk would come in as the drugs i was on could kill any hope of breast feeding, the midwives at PPH were just awesome and I am going back there for my next birth, the support was just fantastic.

I succesfully fed her till she was 8 months old she started showing signs of weaning whic i now know is typical of that age group but we saw it as that and then we made the descion to start IVF again, i fed her thru my FET cycle, and when that didnt work she had to be weened before i could start my drugs for the next full on cycle, and well we all know the outcomes of that waste of time, so i live with the guilt of depriving my child everyday and miss our closeness that we shared but she is still a happy healthy baby toddler. My next journey will be alot longer and im hoping Marlie may just want to come back to me.

lalalala

I have cramps, they are pretty bad.. gonna lay down for the rest of the day. sigh i hope its not a sign that somethin bad is gonna happen. :(

Well that scared the shit out of me

Last night i had my first pregnancy nightmare, i had these early on with Marlie and well this one scared the crap out of me, I was heaily preg but it was mainly based around Marlie and it is so vivid to me now, I awoke at 3am crying, I had dreamed that I had put Marlie on a plane to go have some time with a friend of ours while he was out of the country? firstly wtf sending my daughter away with out me? Then when they were meant to return they didnt show up, we couldnt get in contact with them, and i of course was hysterical by this point that i didnt knwo where my daughter was if she was safe etc and panic had set in, we finally got hold of the person who had my daughter which had now swapped to my friend Lani to be told she had been kidnapped while they were napping and there was a pool of blood out the door, her body was later found mutilated and she was dead, her body came back to me but when it did she had turned back into a newborn, so i had this perfect dead baby in a box, I took her to the doctors and somehow she magically came back to life and started breathing and turned back into my 15 month old Marlie!?!?
talk about a head fuck..
i hate dreaming...
any insights people??

Im Bored

I wish i had something exciting to say or some sort of mind boggling thing to get everyone thinking but alas thats just not me, i ramble crap about shit but sometimes it can be rather amusing?
Well I had a great friday night, i crashed the rainbow crews birthday bash, ok so i was invited at the last minute but still u get my drift, was a very interesting night, and no i wasnt wierded out at all by sazz, sarah and jen drinking each others breast milk and havin a good old giggle about it in the mean time, was highly amusing to see thier reactions lol priceless, but alas it all somehow seemed very normal to me lol
Got home and watched my beloved Conan O'Brian i am so devo about his show being given back to stupid Jay Leno i cant stand him, the very site of his chin makes me want to punch the ugly mofo ugh least Conan is funny..
So today i havent done much, Mike left early and went to work, So i went to my mums and then to spotlight with her, then home for the grubbas nap,  i was meant to go to the shops n do the grocerys but nope, i got pulled into a wow raid at 2pm and i only got out at 8pm! raids are evil time consuming wastes of time but i cant help but play..  lol so much for cutting back on my play time, and dont worry marlie was still played with and time spent with her, she was asleep for 5 hours of it and the other time was spent eating and climbing over me giggling her head off lol
I think i had my first "morning sickness" moment at about 4.30, just this wave of nausea swept over me and i felt like i was gonna hurl, didnt last long though and that is all i got with Marlie so im pretty lucky in that respect :) 
Ok well im gonna go to bed and watch 2012, some have said its a crap movie but i will see for myself

Love & Light
xx

Honest Scrap

I have won something yay lol thanks Kint aka  Domestic Delusions.



The rules are to share 10 honest facts about myself then give the award to 7 other bloggers who inspire me.

 1. I grew up in a sort of commune when i was little, my mum was a nomad, we never stayed in one place long, we were dragged up in suburbia, the bush and on the beach in combys with many other familys, all my extended family i have cousins that are not related to me in any other way other then we all hung out together as kids, and my mums best friends are my auntys.I loved this way of living and would love to have Marlie bought up the same way..

2. I attended 6 different schools.

3. The people who i was close with only 12 months ago are no where to be seen, it shits me.

4. Before having Marlie, i was a workaholic, from the age of 14 i had 3 jobs and attended school and finished my high school certificate, I was the first grandchild to do so.

5. I suffered from bulemia for many years, my lowest weight was 41kilos at 5foot 9, kids are cruel and somethin i will be very vigilant with marlie, i wont let her be the fat kid like i was.

6. My dad died when i was 11, it fucked me up, i was away at school camp when it happened and told by a stranger that my dad was dead and i had to go home, he was drink driving on the way home from the pub, fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a power pole leaving behind his wife and 4 daughters, for years i would not leave my mums side for fear she would die too, i use to sit at the door waiting for her to come home from work and if she was late i was hysterical, oh and i never went on a school camp ever again.

7. I love to find out about other ways of doing things, My attitude has changed so much from the person i was 18 months ago, a few friends have shown me this.

8. We TTC Marlie for 3 years before IVF finally gave us our beautiful girl.

9. I still cant beleive im pregnant naturally.

10. One day i will do what ive always wanted to do.... one day.

2ND BLOOD RESULTS IN

Woooo Hooooo
 HCG = 1800
PROGESTERONE = 54

I got the levels from the first test too and they were

HCG=32
PROGESTERONE =15

Soooooo levels are awesome and put me right on 5 weeks, I will only have to be on the pessarys until tuesday my doc said, but i think i will take them a little longer just for my own piece of mind, they cant hurt me only makes things better for the baby bug,  I will be going for a early scan even though my doc didnt really wanna give me the slip but i begged him, i need to see a heartbeat! to wait till 12 weeks would just kill me!

I booked in with a new obstetrician today, as Dr Marshall is no longer delivering, the more i hear about him the more i think perhaps i didnt need to have the ceasarian but nothin i can do about it now... Soooo I will be seeing Dr. D'Mello and going private again to PPH, He is the only doc there at PPH that will even entertain the idea of VBAC, so we are aiming for this, i know there are other options available to me but I just couldnt see myself doing it, i would be to afraid, but when i see Doc D for the first time i will look more into it, i guess it will all depend on how my stupid body reacts this time, hopefully we dont have a repeat of Marlie's birth and late stage of pregnancy, pre-eclampsia sucks, my sister had it with her first but not her second so heres hopin i follow suit and dont get it again, m blood pressure still hasnt normallised from the prev experience with it but we will just have to wait n see..

How can u not smile at this!

God I live for this!

Last night we had our god son Zac overnight, So this morning yes 8am we headed off to the park as we were all up at 6 thanks to Marlie and Zac was getting very bored here at home there is only so much coloring in one can do and tv just wasnt cuttin it so off we went! Lots of fun had by all, Dadda and Zac were playing hide the thongs? lol as ya do and Marlie was happy just running around climbing up the blocks and doin here own thing

Only i dont think we will be going on the swings again... she was not a fan

ouch!

UGHH woke up this morning feeling quite queeeasy with bad lower back pain, sharp pains on my right hand side and dying of thirst lol ahhhhh the joys hehe i just got back from my 2nd blood test, hopefully all the levels are rising nicely and that my progesterone levels will be so huge i wont need the pessarys!
Sooooo i asked mike last night if he was up for it so to speak and well i got told no he doesnt want to cause any problems.... sooo looks like another preg with out sex!! i spose i understand his worry and all that but im not showin any signs of loosing this little miracle so he sucks but he is the better safe then sorry person out of the 2 of us so i guess maybe once were over 12 weeks he might change his mind.. maybeeee

Fav Songs for the Grubba

Havin a lala day so thought i would share the lyrics to some of my favorite songs i play to Marlie.

Lullaby by The Dixie Chicks


They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up




And our bedtime song of the same name but by Creed
Lullaby - Creed


Hush my love now dont you cry
Everything will be all right
Close your eyes and drift in dream
Rest in peaceful sleep

If theres one thing I hope
I showed you
Hope I showed you

Just give love to all

Oh my love in my arms tight
Every day you give me life
As I drift off to your world
Will rest in peaceful sleep

I know there's one thing that
you showed me
That you showed me

Just give love to all
Let's give love to all

Great Weekend

Hello My name is Ebony and im a compulsive pee stick test taker... to date i think i have now taken about 9 tests... sad yes i know lol but thats life, heres todays installment... YAY THE LINES FINALLY MATCH!!!
ok no more pics of that i promise.... or do i..... lol nah i prob wont take anymore now that they match, i just neded to see them be the same for my own piece of mind, im feeling ok, lower back is kaning and im very tired but loving every minute of it, i have been given the chance of another baby im not about to sook and whinge about it..yet... lol nah i had a very good pregnancy with Marlie so i am hoping this one will be the same, i didnt get morning sickness and the worst that happened was the high blood pressure and almost dying after my emergency ceaser, so this time around i am hoping for a VBAC, Marlie was my IVF created, ceaserain born so im hoping this one will be my well obviously naturally conceived and vaginally born, i really feel like i have missed out on the experience although it couldnt be helped and i had to do what the docs said or i basically prob wouldnt be here, kidneys shutting down and blood clotting is not a nice mix with a pregnant woman.  But we will see how it goes, I need to find me a new obstetrician as mine retired shortly after Marlie was born, I rang them the other day to tell them i was preg as i was meant to be going in for a endo review and another surgery! so that is all cancelled now hehe that was a good phone call to make although im glad i didnt have to tell doc M to his face or he would of given me the i told you so lecture, he was positive i would fall preg on my own after having Marlie and well so was everyone else actually lol i told them all to get into reality thats a urban legend lol so i am thinking of changing the name of my blog to "The Urban Legend" hehehe what do you think?

Anyway over the weekend was good, Friday arvo thru to friday night i had some great mates over with all the kidlets, Kint Xave & Stella,  Cara & Miky, Jen & Jack and Jess & Alex, just sat around talking crap for a few hours then Kinty & Jess left and it was just Cara, Jen and Me left, the kids all had a ball playing while us mamas had a chat about various topics lol

After all the playing it was bath time and yes i have censored this pic as who knows what sickos are out there!

Saturday Me n Rara headed down to the water festival, we didnt stay long but i run into Kinty at the ABA stand and stayed awhile there havin a good ole chat while rara went to find her karate friends, unfortunately it was the gruba's bedtime so she wasnt allowed out of her pram or i would of had WW3 on my hand tryin to get her back in the pram afterwards... mamas have to make these executive descions sometimes lol but she still saw the animals from her pram and all that, I didnt end up attendin the wedding i was meant to i was just to darn tired and Mike came home last night instead of today like he was meant to so i spent the night with him... ok so i went to bed and he played wow but still! oh and speaking of wow i have cut right back on play time ive barely even touched it really so yay i have given up mother energy drinks.. cut back on wow... got preg so most of my new years resloutions are met!!

ok signing off now i have rambled on enough xx

Love & Light

And the phone rang...

Got the call from the doc yup def preg gotta go back next week for more bloods to confirm everything is rising n check progesterone levels but yay so far so good.

- eBz

worried

gah already i am stressin out about loosin this baby, should of shut my mouth n  not said anything to anyone but no had the big mouth and told my mum who then insisited i tell the whole family... and what if it doesnt work out again.. so very annoyed at myself right now... did another test this m orning line cam up straight away but i don tknow if its any darker, maybe yesterday was the start of my doubling day... so i did another test on another brand and yeh the line is there but gah i guess i am still testing early thats the hard part about it... becoz i did i am scared tomorrow when AF is due shes just gonna rock in and go SURPRISE partys over...
well i just took some photos of all 3 tests and i guess todays are darker actually... hmmm the one from yesterday looks almost non existant today... wierd... what do you think??

i am in shock? denial? how on earth did i do this? as  much as i would love to thank the vitex, i only took it properly last month and this month was every other day whenever i remembered?! gah who cares, everyone just cross your fingers for me please!

I BROKE THE RULES!

ok i am a little in shoock here.... NO FACEBOOK PLEASE LADIES IM NOT SHARING WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST YET!!

ok still in shock....

AGGHHH










Oh and my Friend had her bubba last night little boy Blake Antoni 7pd 5, 53cm and 34cm head he is just divine too!! Going to see him tonight!

Waters are broken!

woohoooo my good mate michelle is in labour!!after having 2 little girls 11 months apart a few years ago she took the plunge again and is having a beautiful little boy this time around, hopefully her labour wont be too long and horrible but she is at frankston hospi as i type woooo hoooo so  excited for her!!
ok so i might have some news to share.... not sure yet... i tested this morning.. my period is not due till friday/saturday but i have been tired all week... sure could be the hot weather and all the partying and late nights i have been having or it could be because of this

Now i tried and tried and tried and tried to get a good pic of it but the god dam flash kept wipin everything so i took it without the flash on and with a shadow over it... those of u sittin there goin wtf i cant see anything... it is under the e in the word line  i find squinting helps lmao
could be a evap line coz it is thinner then the control line... but it was there within the test time, please tell me if u can see it or not... this is bad.. im gonna be a idiot for the next few days... a natural conception for a ivf fingerling??? hmmmm its been done before... but for me? time will tell.

ok got a better one....

god dam it camera!!

mindless babble

hello everyone.. well all 5 of you :D i want more readers lol feel free to tell peoples about my blog

Anyone have a spare uterus i can borrow? ill give it back in good working order i promise!!
I have a gyno appointment on the 19th of this month, each day is gettin harder and harder for me
i have constant pains like someone is grabbing my insides and twirling them over there heads and just not putting them back where they belong... i dont know what road i will take after i see my miracle man, the man who bought marlie safe into this world and then fixed up all my endo and other complaints, it has been almost 12 whole months since my last lap, thats a record for me, its only been in the last 6 weeks where it is gettin to the unbearable stage, need to get my body back into working order so we can at least attempt to try again for another bubbaloo, ivf doesnt look like it will be an option for us anymore with my poor responce and all that crap, although i had a blood test the other day and my FSH level is 7, which is well within normal guidelines but this test was done on day 21, it needs to be done on day 3 of my period so i will ask my doc when i see him on the 19th for a repeat of this test to find out exactly what is going on with my levels, so i know one way or the other the brain cant handle being told sorry ur in early menopause and then gettin a great result like that in bloods to say otherwse, the other option we were lookin at well was a 2nd opinion.. as much as i like my FS he just doesnt seem to give 2 shits to tell me the menopause crap and that i need to take a break from ivf and then arrange nothing after that is just cruel, talk about stress a girl out!!
We are still here at my mil's hopefully i can go home tonight.. although im not really lookin forward to it coz then i will have to clean it out... anyone want free stuff?? i will be going thru all my cupboards ala Kint style. i even have a queen size bed i will need to find a home for as i wanna make a toy room for the grub instead of everything being strewn around the house the way it is now! o0o i feel a painting session coming on... anyone good at painting murals?? i would like to create a mural wall like grass and sky and creatures etc for the play room.... anyone feeling creative??
anyway leave me some love so i know im not posting for no reason... pleeeease lol

Ive been evicted

well only for a few days while my entire house is re-wired... yes the entire house, every single switch, cord, fan, etc etc sigh oh well it had to be done, but that means no wow for a few days.. may be a good thing but its 8am and i didnt play at all last night and i cant get on now coz mike dad is one of those security freaks who has a million firewalls etc and they wont allow me to log into the game but i can still access all webpages etc from my lappy... sigh  but in the meantime i am staying at my mother in laws :D which is nice, its sorta like havin a holiday, see i am one of those very very lucky people to have a fantastic mil, i guess being that i have been around since i was 15 and lived with them from 18-21 has helped the relationship alot, she is just like my second mother :D something my own mother is a little jealous of but thats a whole other story, i have also finally taken steps to get my head back into some sort of normality, after all the ivf and the traumatic arrival of miss marlie i never really dealt with it, just put on the im strong face bottled it up and went on with my life well that just isnt working for me anymore and have gotten a referal to go speak to someone about it and deal with it once and for all. so that appointment is at 4pm today and then i guess we will see how we go from there..

Marlie has had a temp since last night, we had been swimming in the morning and i noticed she felt a little hot but just thought maybe it was the warm water or somethin but nurofen is controlling it, went up to 38.7 last night and she is still happy and playing so im not too worried, not other symptoms cept the temp so im sure all is well just a little bug, she slept all night in the portacot without a drama which was great as she's not use to sleeping in one, shes become very easy to accomodate while were out, shes not a clingon baby and actually does not like being rocked off to sleep, prefers to just be put in her cot turn on her tummy and then its nigh nighs for her!
ok off i go, goin to see shell today and give her her bday pressie and catch up, shes due to pop in a few days time yay a little boy for her finally after 2 girls!!

I have a problem

Hi My names Ebony and Im a wow addict... yes world of warcraft has consumed my real world i play about 5-6 hours every day sometimes more... how do i have time for this i hear you saying... well marlie goes to bed for 2hours twice a day and then is down from 7pm most nights so when i should be cleaning to the house or other things i am here sittin on my ass behind my laptop levelling my toons and gearing my 80... sigh see that toon in the pic.. thats winyfred shes my lvl 80 warlock, to my guild that is who i am so everyone calls me winy as i play her the most i have spent according to the game 29 days playing... it is calculated in hours so that is almost a whole month of my life playing non stop... it has been spread out over the last 22 months though... but wow that is sad huh so i am on a mission to cut back play time, i actually took a one month break once before and didnt really miss it all that bad but then started playing again and sigh... hooked again

Laundry Shananigans!

Well what a day ive had!! screw that for a joke, this morning i was emptying out the washing basket... sorting the clothes out so i could put white with whites etc etc and just as i reached in i saw these black legs hide under a towel.. well i yanked my hand back quicker then i ever have before.. i looked for something to kill him with as i was barefoot and he was in the basket... no bug spray in the laundry and i didnt want to leave him in case he run away so i grabbed the air freshner! well it upset him and he crawled out onto the tile and i promptly smushed him with the lid of the nappy bucket! i went off to get some paper towel to wipe his parts up with and when i returned he was still moving trying to run away!!! wtf super spider! so u smushed him again this time into about 20 pieces LOL and he was promtly dead so after this i thought stuff it there is no way im putting my hand back in that basket so picked it up and emptied it into the machine.. screw sortin the rest of it towel and clothes or not i was not puttin my hand back in there... well that was a mistake coz what was hiding in the basket... a disposable nappy! marlie has had a rash so has been in sposies while we got rid of it and somehow it had foun its way into the basket :( so all my clothes were covered in expanded nappy crystals and i have rewashed it all 4 times and the black stuff still has crap all over it :( not happy jan!!

RAHHH

Well it looks like i have made a return to the world of blogging since my last entry about our failures, since that we have had xmas and new years, xmas was great spread over 3 days with all the different sides of the family, Marlie is 14months old now.. how did that happen... well on the IVF front, we wont be returning for quite awhile, Im in no hurry to go back to that world, it makes me sad and depressed and feel like a failure so fuck it, early menopause and stage 4 endo can eat it, i am going to take the time with mike n Marlie n enjoy what i have no what i dont, I feel guilty everyday that i gave up breastfeeding to go back to
ivf when Marlie was 8 months old, but at the time i thought i was makin the right decisions, things are lookin ok in general, Mike is workin his ass off and hasnt been around much but thats what happens every year at this time, during the middle of the year he should get some time off and we will be able to go away or something, he hasnt had a holiday since our honeymoon, I went to qld while i was preg while he stayed home and held the fort here,  The last 12 months have just flown by and this year i have made a great friend, Cara and she is my rock, we met originally thru our online birthclub and well  we have spent basically every other day together since, Marlie and Miky are best mates and get along so well, they are like sisters, I am very lucky to have her coz if i didnt i really wouldnt of had much of another friend as the people i was close with 18 months ago are basically non existant... isnt it strange how much things can change in such a short amount of time.... i shall leave it there and come back laterah... toodle oooo

:(

Ok so cycle 4 was a complete mess too
I went in for my epu on the 31st, i went in knowing i wouldnt get much but when i woke up from the anesthetic to be told there is only 1 egg i was devestated as i just knew in myself that it was over then and there and well i was right, the egg become a emby so they rang me yesterday and told me yup its fertalised ET tomorrow at 9am but when i got there my FS rang me and i accidently hung up on him, he left me a msg saying that it had multinucleated so there would be no transfer but he would see me at 9am anyway, so i was really upset and i dried my eyes and went in and saw him, well i wasnt exactly prepared for him to say what he did... basically i have the ovaries of a 39 yr old woman so my chances of falling preg are very low so i should take a small break and give my ovaries a rest try naturally and go see a naturopath and start on a herb called vitex which is meant to help boost my ovarian reserve so we;ll give that a go for a few months and try again in the new year i think.

Oooops!

i forgot to blog! i had my scan on monday and i had 2x 15mm and a 11mm, so doc wanted to rescan me today to make sure they are growing, i now have a 17,19 and a 11, so lookin at epu on friday hopefully, nurse will ring me back this arvo to confirm and give me all the details for my epu :D

THIS IS GONAL!

600!!!
i have been upped to 600!!
shit i hope it does something, i have never heard of anyone being on it this high before, i had my scan this morning and it was no good, all still quiet so hopefully this will bring the follies out of hiding!!

lala

Ok so i rang the nurse this morning and she wasnt too worried about it, said if it gets any worse to ring and i can go for a scan earlier, but its died down heaps compared to yesterday i dont feel sick today just a little crampy but no sharp pains so i will just leave it till thursday.

Injecting..

ok so im on day 4 of gonal @ 450 and i have this horrible sick feeling and sharp pains on the left hand side, i will ring my nurse in the morning and see what she has to say she might get me in for a scan to see whats happening.. Marlie's birthday was on the 16th, i cant believe my baby just turned one! she will be 16 before i know it, where does the time go... she's walking talking running even and gettin into everything talk about the hard work starts now lol before it was all just play time on the floor and feed and put to bed but shes so much fun now, laughs and pulls faces at us and snorts and does the matching piggy face to go with it hehe god i love my little munchkin, at least i know if this cycle is bust then i will always have her, and i count my lucky stars everyday that i am lucky enough to of been blessed with her.

DAY 1

AF arrived this morning, its light as hell but its here so i go get my drugs tomorrow and start them on thursday so day 3, starting on 450 :D

Still waiting

I have been on the pill for the last 2 weeks i finished it on the 8th and well still no period arrived... 4 days later.. something should of happened by now.. what the fuck is going on with my body!!! :(

.....

well so it turns out he wasnt back yesterday but is back today so i should find out sometime today what the go is... waiting waiting...

Grrrrr

ok so after the last cycle was cancelled i have been patiently waiting for my period and well the little bastard still hasnt arrived grrrrrr so i had a blood test on friday 18/9 and it showed my progesterone is very low so i either havent even ovulated yet or im about to get my period in the next day or so and well its still not here 3 days later so the plan from here is i have to wait till my FS gets back from holidays on wednesday and he will most likely give me provera to bring on a bleed and then we can go straight into the flare cycle from there.... so more waiting... stupid body anyone have a spare ovary or 2 i can borrow??

Im baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Well well here we go again... i havent blogged in a very long time but seeing as we are back on the ivf trail i thought it would be a good idea to bring it up to date...
well obviously Marlie is here she just beautiful.. can u beleive it.. she is almost one!
I have since had another FET... our last remaining emby and that was a complete disaster, it thawed in tact but had not done anything since so yeh 2ww for nothing

Started my next down reg cycle when af arrived and that was a complete failure too, started my injections on 225 upped to 375 and i didnt respond AT ALL, so im currently waiting for AF to arrive and then we will do a flare cycle starting drugs on 450.. so we can only hope for the best and pray i respond and get some follies!!

o0o another scan

Well my scan went really really well, bubz was jumpin round and movin all over the place, measuring a day ahead of dates.. still havent seen my OB yet was meant to see him last week but they cancelled my appointment grrrr at them but oh well its tomorrow instead and i'll be 13w6d!! I thought i woulda seen him at least once by now! otherwise weverything is going good just taking it day by day.. i feel pretty normal now cept my nose keeps bloody running and my nipples are still sensitive.. and twice there size.. and my boobs are massive.. i'm gonna be like a jersey cow by the time this one makes it out!

We have a heartbeat!!

YAY
HAd my first scan today, i was tossing and turning all night last night, dreaming of blighted ovums, no heartbeat, and every other possible thing that could go wrong and it was all for nothing, went into the city bright and early at 8am for my scan and we got there parked along the side street.. $2 beats $10 screw the hospital car park lol and yeh toddled up there i was the first appointment.. the nerves were killing me.. so much so that they told me to wait out the front and come back in in 10 minutes get changed etc well i was still out the front counting down the minutes at 6 minutes they came out and called michael lol i wasnt even in there or changed hahaha so quick smart i got changed.. i dont think i have ever gotten changed so quick in my life lol.. ok so i get in there sit on the bench and then in comes mikes.. lie back and she puts the "dildocam" in and then i see everything.. i was really concerned at first coz being a first timer had no idea what to look for and all i saw was the big black oblong and then a little black hollow circle.. so heres my dumbness.... i thought the oblong shape was my uterus.. and the little circle was the sac and it was empty!! well turns the big black oblong shape was the sac and the little circle was the yolk sac which when she fiddled with the dildocam tada there was my baby growing off the side of the yolk sac!! hahaha lucky i didnt say anything or cry or soemthing stupid until she explained it all hahaha what a dweeb!! i told mike on the way home and he said he thought the same too haha so were both idiots lol, so we have told everyone, we were gonna wait till 12 weeks but we thought nah fuck it haha we were too excited!!! Heres my little baby blob~!~ GES= 6w3d - CRL= 0.44cm HB= 128bpm

WELL ITS ALL CONFIRMED

I'M PREGNANT!!!

WOOOO HOOOO

HCG WAS 325!!!!!!

EDD s 6th of November!!

4 days before my 25th Birthday yay!!

Ok well i'm pretty sure this is it.. AF has not shown up.. still one more day till my bloodtest but i'm really confident.. as you can see the line is so dark now it matches the control line!!

POSITVE

Good golly.... I think we've done it!!
I have been feeling really wierd all week, so so so sooooo tired and i just thought well i have to be.. so i tested yesterday and faint BFP couldnt get a good pic of it so i tested again this morning... and well you can see the result... AF isnt due till wednesday and my blood test is on friday the 29th and omg i'm gonna go mental for the next week.
xxx

Hercules, hercules, hercules!

My Beautiful little Hercules!!

7 cells and put back again by my FS Jim Tsaltas...

hopefully this one makes it, i have one left in the freezer then onto a new cycle if no good, I am on progesterone pessarys this time so fingers crossed it makes all the difference, i had a massage the day before xfer and accupuncture the night of the xfer so yay i'm excited...
my nipples are way tender at the moment too but that is the progesterone side effects..this is gonna be a hard 2ww.. bt on the 29th of Feb. woo

Heres come another one

Righteo well i am going in for my transfer today, this is emby #3 Third time lucky right?? I will be back later to post a pic of it, hopefully it will be a 8 cell like last time, I am having progesterone support this time too which is good news, i'm feeling pretty confident this will be it for us for awhile, 2 baby psychics have told us that we will get good news in Feb/March... so they better be bloody right both indicated a boys but one said twins the other said singleton and i am only having one emby so unless the egg splits or my natrually ovulated egg is somehow miraculously fertalised it will be a single **hopefully**

Make Beleive

Until today if someone asked me what make believe was I would have told them its a game young children play to amuse themselves. Its a thing that we do when we are young. When we grow up that part of our lives is gone as well. However thinking about the subject today I realized it is not. I make believe everyday that there is hope in a hopeless situation. I try forcing myself to believe that everything is just a wash nothing really is needed that I have let go of, pushed away or was taken away. I make believe that I really did not need these things in my life. It is the only way I know how to make sense of senseless things. To tell myself they arent needed. I am sorry to those of you who read my ramblings. I know I dont need a lot of things but its that fear of never having that really bothers me. It is that fear of living like this forever. Many of you say things like Mike n me will be fine....yes we will be fine...I know that. I am just tired of being fine. I am not as a matter of fact fine..nothing I am feeling is fine....nothing from my point of view at this given time is fine..... We have the best most awesome family any one person could ever in a million years ask for. We are blessed to be where we are right now we are fortunate to have the things we have. Many other people don't even have that. I get and understand that fact and I am thankful for that everyday. Thankful that the people who mean the most to me are so willing to give of themselves and help me and Mike anytime we need it. Thank you

FET #2

So Af arrived today, so CD1 is morrow which means i will be looking at a emby xfer on the 16th i hope! saturday would be perfect for me, that way mike can come with out taking any time of work woo hooo

The game has begun

Ok well i am in the 2ww.. an official one... i have ovulated all on my ownsome and have an awesome pic to prove it lol, so this is the first real ovulation guarenteed cycle since my lap in December.. lets hope it done something and this will be it.. HA who am i trying to fool. so basically its really 4 weeks till my FET.. countdown is on wooooo hooooo...

So its 2008

ok its a new year, 2008, this year i will turn 25, looking back i thought i would of accomplished much more, i thought i would of had a baby by now, i thought i would be 3 dress sizes smaller.. i thought well i thought alot didnt really do any of it though.. which is sad, i didnt even celebrate new years eve.. 2007 was THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE..

p.s... af arrived today