Just wanted to Share :)

 

This is one of my most favorite photos of my breast feeding journey with Marlie, I love how she is sitting up next to me, she was so tiny.

This was i think her 2nd maybe 3rd feed and well obviously assisted, while i was in CCU after my horrible birth experience.

I couldnt sit up after havin the ceaser so there was no way i could hold her myself as I was just to weak from all the drugs and the miriad of wires connected to me but there was no way in hell my baby would be formula fed, they bought her to me every 3 hours for her feeds, and come and hand expressed me during the night to ensure my milk would come in as the drugs i was on could kill any hope of breast feeding, the midwives at PPH were just awesome and I am going back there for my next birth, the support was just fantastic.

I succesfully fed her till she was 8 months old she started showing signs of weaning whic i now know is typical of that age group but we saw it as that and then we made the descion to start IVF again, i fed her thru my FET cycle, and when that didnt work she had to be weened before i could start my drugs for the next full on cycle, and well we all know the outcomes of that waste of time, so i live with the guilt of depriving my child everyday and miss our closeness that we shared but she is still a happy healthy baby toddler. My next journey will be alot longer and im hoping Marlie may just want to come back to me.

lalalala

I have cramps, they are pretty bad.. gonna lay down for the rest of the day. sigh i hope its not a sign that somethin bad is gonna happen. :(

Well that scared the shit out of me

Last night i had my first pregnancy nightmare, i had these early on with Marlie and well this one scared the crap out of me, I was heaily preg but it was mainly based around Marlie and it is so vivid to me now, I awoke at 3am crying, I had dreamed that I had put Marlie on a plane to go have some time with a friend of ours while he was out of the country? firstly wtf sending my daughter away with out me? Then when they were meant to return they didnt show up, we couldnt get in contact with them, and i of course was hysterical by this point that i didnt knwo where my daughter was if she was safe etc and panic had set in, we finally got hold of the person who had my daughter which had now swapped to my friend Lani to be told she had been kidnapped while they were napping and there was a pool of blood out the door, her body was later found mutilated and she was dead, her body came back to me but when it did she had turned back into a newborn, so i had this perfect dead baby in a box, I took her to the doctors and somehow she magically came back to life and started breathing and turned back into my 15 month old Marlie!?!?
talk about a head fuck..
i hate dreaming...
any insights people??

Im Bored

I wish i had something exciting to say or some sort of mind boggling thing to get everyone thinking but alas thats just not me, i ramble crap about shit but sometimes it can be rather amusing?
Well I had a great friday night, i crashed the rainbow crews birthday bash, ok so i was invited at the last minute but still u get my drift, was a very interesting night, and no i wasnt wierded out at all by sazz, sarah and jen drinking each others breast milk and havin a good old giggle about it in the mean time, was highly amusing to see thier reactions lol priceless, but alas it all somehow seemed very normal to me lol
Got home and watched my beloved Conan O'Brian i am so devo about his show being given back to stupid Jay Leno i cant stand him, the very site of his chin makes me want to punch the ugly mofo ugh least Conan is funny..
So today i havent done much, Mike left early and went to work, So i went to my mums and then to spotlight with her, then home for the grubbas nap,  i was meant to go to the shops n do the grocerys but nope, i got pulled into a wow raid at 2pm and i only got out at 8pm! raids are evil time consuming wastes of time but i cant help but play..  lol so much for cutting back on my play time, and dont worry marlie was still played with and time spent with her, she was asleep for 5 hours of it and the other time was spent eating and climbing over me giggling her head off lol
I think i had my first "morning sickness" moment at about 4.30, just this wave of nausea swept over me and i felt like i was gonna hurl, didnt last long though and that is all i got with Marlie so im pretty lucky in that respect :) 
Ok well im gonna go to bed and watch 2012, some have said its a crap movie but i will see for myself

Love & Light
xx

Honest Scrap

I have won something yay lol thanks Kint aka  Domestic Delusions.



The rules are to share 10 honest facts about myself then give the award to 7 other bloggers who inspire me.

 1. I grew up in a sort of commune when i was little, my mum was a nomad, we never stayed in one place long, we were dragged up in suburbia, the bush and on the beach in combys with many other familys, all my extended family i have cousins that are not related to me in any other way other then we all hung out together as kids, and my mums best friends are my auntys.I loved this way of living and would love to have Marlie bought up the same way..

2. I attended 6 different schools.

3. The people who i was close with only 12 months ago are no where to be seen, it shits me.

4. Before having Marlie, i was a workaholic, from the age of 14 i had 3 jobs and attended school and finished my high school certificate, I was the first grandchild to do so.

5. I suffered from bulemia for many years, my lowest weight was 41kilos at 5foot 9, kids are cruel and somethin i will be very vigilant with marlie, i wont let her be the fat kid like i was.

6. My dad died when i was 11, it fucked me up, i was away at school camp when it happened and told by a stranger that my dad was dead and i had to go home, he was drink driving on the way home from the pub, fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a power pole leaving behind his wife and 4 daughters, for years i would not leave my mums side for fear she would die too, i use to sit at the door waiting for her to come home from work and if she was late i was hysterical, oh and i never went on a school camp ever again.

7. I love to find out about other ways of doing things, My attitude has changed so much from the person i was 18 months ago, a few friends have shown me this.

8. We TTC Marlie for 3 years before IVF finally gave us our beautiful girl.

9. I still cant beleive im pregnant naturally.

10. One day i will do what ive always wanted to do.... one day.

2ND BLOOD RESULTS IN

Woooo Hooooo
 HCG = 1800
PROGESTERONE = 54

I got the levels from the first test too and they were

HCG=32
PROGESTERONE =15

Soooooo levels are awesome and put me right on 5 weeks, I will only have to be on the pessarys until tuesday my doc said, but i think i will take them a little longer just for my own piece of mind, they cant hurt me only makes things better for the baby bug,  I will be going for a early scan even though my doc didnt really wanna give me the slip but i begged him, i need to see a heartbeat! to wait till 12 weeks would just kill me!

I booked in with a new obstetrician today, as Dr Marshall is no longer delivering, the more i hear about him the more i think perhaps i didnt need to have the ceasarian but nothin i can do about it now... Soooo I will be seeing Dr. D'Mello and going private again to PPH, He is the only doc there at PPH that will even entertain the idea of VBAC, so we are aiming for this, i know there are other options available to me but I just couldnt see myself doing it, i would be to afraid, but when i see Doc D for the first time i will look more into it, i guess it will all depend on how my stupid body reacts this time, hopefully we dont have a repeat of Marlie's birth and late stage of pregnancy, pre-eclampsia sucks, my sister had it with her first but not her second so heres hopin i follow suit and dont get it again, m blood pressure still hasnt normallised from the prev experience with it but we will just have to wait n see..

How can u not smile at this!

God I live for this!

Last night we had our god son Zac overnight, So this morning yes 8am we headed off to the park as we were all up at 6 thanks to Marlie and Zac was getting very bored here at home there is only so much coloring in one can do and tv just wasnt cuttin it so off we went! Lots of fun had by all, Dadda and Zac were playing hide the thongs? lol as ya do and Marlie was happy just running around climbing up the blocks and doin here own thing

Only i dont think we will be going on the swings again... she was not a fan

ouch!

UGHH woke up this morning feeling quite queeeasy with bad lower back pain, sharp pains on my right hand side and dying of thirst lol ahhhhh the joys hehe i just got back from my 2nd blood test, hopefully all the levels are rising nicely and that my progesterone levels will be so huge i wont need the pessarys!
Sooooo i asked mike last night if he was up for it so to speak and well i got told no he doesnt want to cause any problems.... sooo looks like another preg with out sex!! i spose i understand his worry and all that but im not showin any signs of loosing this little miracle so he sucks but he is the better safe then sorry person out of the 2 of us so i guess maybe once were over 12 weeks he might change his mind.. maybeeee

Fav Songs for the Grubba

Havin a lala day so thought i would share the lyrics to some of my favorite songs i play to Marlie.

Lullaby by The Dixie Chicks


They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up




And our bedtime song of the same name but by Creed
Lullaby - Creed


Hush my love now dont you cry
Everything will be all right
Close your eyes and drift in dream
Rest in peaceful sleep

If theres one thing I hope
I showed you
Hope I showed you

Just give love to all

Oh my love in my arms tight
Every day you give me life
As I drift off to your world
Will rest in peaceful sleep

I know there's one thing that
you showed me
That you showed me

Just give love to all
Let's give love to all

Great Weekend

Hello My name is Ebony and im a compulsive pee stick test taker... to date i think i have now taken about 9 tests... sad yes i know lol but thats life, heres todays installment... YAY THE LINES FINALLY MATCH!!!
ok no more pics of that i promise.... or do i..... lol nah i prob wont take anymore now that they match, i just neded to see them be the same for my own piece of mind, im feeling ok, lower back is kaning and im very tired but loving every minute of it, i have been given the chance of another baby im not about to sook and whinge about it..yet... lol nah i had a very good pregnancy with Marlie so i am hoping this one will be the same, i didnt get morning sickness and the worst that happened was the high blood pressure and almost dying after my emergency ceaser, so this time around i am hoping for a VBAC, Marlie was my IVF created, ceaserain born so im hoping this one will be my well obviously naturally conceived and vaginally born, i really feel like i have missed out on the experience although it couldnt be helped and i had to do what the docs said or i basically prob wouldnt be here, kidneys shutting down and blood clotting is not a nice mix with a pregnant woman.  But we will see how it goes, I need to find me a new obstetrician as mine retired shortly after Marlie was born, I rang them the other day to tell them i was preg as i was meant to be going in for a endo review and another surgery! so that is all cancelled now hehe that was a good phone call to make although im glad i didnt have to tell doc M to his face or he would of given me the i told you so lecture, he was positive i would fall preg on my own after having Marlie and well so was everyone else actually lol i told them all to get into reality thats a urban legend lol so i am thinking of changing the name of my blog to "The Urban Legend" hehehe what do you think?

Anyway over the weekend was good, Friday arvo thru to friday night i had some great mates over with all the kidlets, Kint Xave & Stella,  Cara & Miky, Jen & Jack and Jess & Alex, just sat around talking crap for a few hours then Kinty & Jess left and it was just Cara, Jen and Me left, the kids all had a ball playing while us mamas had a chat about various topics lol

After all the playing it was bath time and yes i have censored this pic as who knows what sickos are out there!

Saturday Me n Rara headed down to the water festival, we didnt stay long but i run into Kinty at the ABA stand and stayed awhile there havin a good ole chat while rara went to find her karate friends, unfortunately it was the gruba's bedtime so she wasnt allowed out of her pram or i would of had WW3 on my hand tryin to get her back in the pram afterwards... mamas have to make these executive descions sometimes lol but she still saw the animals from her pram and all that, I didnt end up attendin the wedding i was meant to i was just to darn tired and Mike came home last night instead of today like he was meant to so i spent the night with him... ok so i went to bed and he played wow but still! oh and speaking of wow i have cut right back on play time ive barely even touched it really so yay i have given up mother energy drinks.. cut back on wow... got preg so most of my new years resloutions are met!!

ok signing off now i have rambled on enough xx

Love & Light

And the phone rang...

Got the call from the doc yup def preg gotta go back next week for more bloods to confirm everything is rising n check progesterone levels but yay so far so good.

- eBz

worried

gah already i am stressin out about loosin this baby, should of shut my mouth n  not said anything to anyone but no had the big mouth and told my mum who then insisited i tell the whole family... and what if it doesnt work out again.. so very annoyed at myself right now... did another test this m orning line cam up straight away but i don tknow if its any darker, maybe yesterday was the start of my doubling day... so i did another test on another brand and yeh the line is there but gah i guess i am still testing early thats the hard part about it... becoz i did i am scared tomorrow when AF is due shes just gonna rock in and go SURPRISE partys over...
well i just took some photos of all 3 tests and i guess todays are darker actually... hmmm the one from yesterday looks almost non existant today... wierd... what do you think??

i am in shock? denial? how on earth did i do this? as  much as i would love to thank the vitex, i only took it properly last month and this month was every other day whenever i remembered?! gah who cares, everyone just cross your fingers for me please!

I BROKE THE RULES!

ok i am a little in shoock here.... NO FACEBOOK PLEASE LADIES IM NOT SHARING WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST YET!!

ok still in shock....

AGGHHH










Oh and my Friend had her bubba last night little boy Blake Antoni 7pd 5, 53cm and 34cm head he is just divine too!! Going to see him tonight!

Waters are broken!

woohoooo my good mate michelle is in labour!!after having 2 little girls 11 months apart a few years ago she took the plunge again and is having a beautiful little boy this time around, hopefully her labour wont be too long and horrible but she is at frankston hospi as i type woooo hoooo so  excited for her!!
ok so i might have some news to share.... not sure yet... i tested this morning.. my period is not due till friday/saturday but i have been tired all week... sure could be the hot weather and all the partying and late nights i have been having or it could be because of this

Now i tried and tried and tried and tried to get a good pic of it but the god dam flash kept wipin everything so i took it without the flash on and with a shadow over it... those of u sittin there goin wtf i cant see anything... it is under the e in the word line  i find squinting helps lmao
could be a evap line coz it is thinner then the control line... but it was there within the test time, please tell me if u can see it or not... this is bad.. im gonna be a idiot for the next few days... a natural conception for a ivf fingerling??? hmmmm its been done before... but for me? time will tell.

ok got a better one....

god dam it camera!!

mindless babble

hello everyone.. well all 5 of you :D i want more readers lol feel free to tell peoples about my blog

Anyone have a spare uterus i can borrow? ill give it back in good working order i promise!!
I have a gyno appointment on the 19th of this month, each day is gettin harder and harder for me
i have constant pains like someone is grabbing my insides and twirling them over there heads and just not putting them back where they belong... i dont know what road i will take after i see my miracle man, the man who bought marlie safe into this world and then fixed up all my endo and other complaints, it has been almost 12 whole months since my last lap, thats a record for me, its only been in the last 6 weeks where it is gettin to the unbearable stage, need to get my body back into working order so we can at least attempt to try again for another bubbaloo, ivf doesnt look like it will be an option for us anymore with my poor responce and all that crap, although i had a blood test the other day and my FSH level is 7, which is well within normal guidelines but this test was done on day 21, it needs to be done on day 3 of my period so i will ask my doc when i see him on the 19th for a repeat of this test to find out exactly what is going on with my levels, so i know one way or the other the brain cant handle being told sorry ur in early menopause and then gettin a great result like that in bloods to say otherwse, the other option we were lookin at well was a 2nd opinion.. as much as i like my FS he just doesnt seem to give 2 shits to tell me the menopause crap and that i need to take a break from ivf and then arrange nothing after that is just cruel, talk about stress a girl out!!
We are still here at my mil's hopefully i can go home tonight.. although im not really lookin forward to it coz then i will have to clean it out... anyone want free stuff?? i will be going thru all my cupboards ala Kint style. i even have a queen size bed i will need to find a home for as i wanna make a toy room for the grub instead of everything being strewn around the house the way it is now! o0o i feel a painting session coming on... anyone good at painting murals?? i would like to create a mural wall like grass and sky and creatures etc for the play room.... anyone feeling creative??
anyway leave me some love so i know im not posting for no reason... pleeeease lol

Ive been evicted

well only for a few days while my entire house is re-wired... yes the entire house, every single switch, cord, fan, etc etc sigh oh well it had to be done, but that means no wow for a few days.. may be a good thing but its 8am and i didnt play at all last night and i cant get on now coz mike dad is one of those security freaks who has a million firewalls etc and they wont allow me to log into the game but i can still access all webpages etc from my lappy... sigh  but in the meantime i am staying at my mother in laws :D which is nice, its sorta like havin a holiday, see i am one of those very very lucky people to have a fantastic mil, i guess being that i have been around since i was 15 and lived with them from 18-21 has helped the relationship alot, she is just like my second mother :D something my own mother is a little jealous of but thats a whole other story, i have also finally taken steps to get my head back into some sort of normality, after all the ivf and the traumatic arrival of miss marlie i never really dealt with it, just put on the im strong face bottled it up and went on with my life well that just isnt working for me anymore and have gotten a referal to go speak to someone about it and deal with it once and for all. so that appointment is at 4pm today and then i guess we will see how we go from there..

Marlie has had a temp since last night, we had been swimming in the morning and i noticed she felt a little hot but just thought maybe it was the warm water or somethin but nurofen is controlling it, went up to 38.7 last night and she is still happy and playing so im not too worried, not other symptoms cept the temp so im sure all is well just a little bug, she slept all night in the portacot without a drama which was great as she's not use to sleeping in one, shes become very easy to accomodate while were out, shes not a clingon baby and actually does not like being rocked off to sleep, prefers to just be put in her cot turn on her tummy and then its nigh nighs for her!
ok off i go, goin to see shell today and give her her bday pressie and catch up, shes due to pop in a few days time yay a little boy for her finally after 2 girls!!

I have a problem

Hi My names Ebony and Im a wow addict... yes world of warcraft has consumed my real world i play about 5-6 hours every day sometimes more... how do i have time for this i hear you saying... well marlie goes to bed for 2hours twice a day and then is down from 7pm most nights so when i should be cleaning to the house or other things i am here sittin on my ass behind my laptop levelling my toons and gearing my 80... sigh see that toon in the pic.. thats winyfred shes my lvl 80 warlock, to my guild that is who i am so everyone calls me winy as i play her the most i have spent according to the game 29 days playing... it is calculated in hours so that is almost a whole month of my life playing non stop... it has been spread out over the last 22 months though... but wow that is sad huh so i am on a mission to cut back play time, i actually took a one month break once before and didnt really miss it all that bad but then started playing again and sigh... hooked again

Laundry Shananigans!

Well what a day ive had!! screw that for a joke, this morning i was emptying out the washing basket... sorting the clothes out so i could put white with whites etc etc and just as i reached in i saw these black legs hide under a towel.. well i yanked my hand back quicker then i ever have before.. i looked for something to kill him with as i was barefoot and he was in the basket... no bug spray in the laundry and i didnt want to leave him in case he run away so i grabbed the air freshner! well it upset him and he crawled out onto the tile and i promptly smushed him with the lid of the nappy bucket! i went off to get some paper towel to wipe his parts up with and when i returned he was still moving trying to run away!!! wtf super spider! so u smushed him again this time into about 20 pieces LOL and he was promtly dead so after this i thought stuff it there is no way im putting my hand back in that basket so picked it up and emptied it into the machine.. screw sortin the rest of it towel and clothes or not i was not puttin my hand back in there... well that was a mistake coz what was hiding in the basket... a disposable nappy! marlie has had a rash so has been in sposies while we got rid of it and somehow it had foun its way into the basket :( so all my clothes were covered in expanded nappy crystals and i have rewashed it all 4 times and the black stuff still has crap all over it :( not happy jan!!

RAHHH

Well it looks like i have made a return to the world of blogging since my last entry about our failures, since that we have had xmas and new years, xmas was great spread over 3 days with all the different sides of the family, Marlie is 14months old now.. how did that happen... well on the IVF front, we wont be returning for quite awhile, Im in no hurry to go back to that world, it makes me sad and depressed and feel like a failure so fuck it, early menopause and stage 4 endo can eat it, i am going to take the time with mike n Marlie n enjoy what i have no what i dont, I feel guilty everyday that i gave up breastfeeding to go back to
ivf when Marlie was 8 months old, but at the time i thought i was makin the right decisions, things are lookin ok in general, Mike is workin his ass off and hasnt been around much but thats what happens every year at this time, during the middle of the year he should get some time off and we will be able to go away or something, he hasnt had a holiday since our honeymoon, I went to qld while i was preg while he stayed home and held the fort here,  The last 12 months have just flown by and this year i have made a great friend, Cara and she is my rock, we met originally thru our online birthclub and well  we have spent basically every other day together since, Marlie and Miky are best mates and get along so well, they are like sisters, I am very lucky to have her coz if i didnt i really wouldnt of had much of another friend as the people i was close with 18 months ago are basically non existant... isnt it strange how much things can change in such a short amount of time.... i shall leave it there and come back laterah... toodle oooo